Help a friend with Depression

Chances are you know someone who is depressed – in fact one in seven Irish people are diagnosed with depression at some point of their lives. Despite it being so common, many people are ashamed or scared to talk about it with their close family and friends, in fact many withdraw from family and friends as a result.

Over half of those affected by depression (55%) did not tell their friends or family. The main reasons for not telling their family and friends about their depression, mentioned by 57%, was because they didn’t want to burden them with their problems; (29%) didn’t know how to tell them, and (28%) said that they felt too scared, ashamed or overwhelmed. (18%) thought they wouldn’t be understood and (27%) felt that their friends wouldn’t be able to help them.

The understanding and support of friends and family makes a big difference in helping someone with depression on the road to recovery. As the World Health Organization says “psychological support from family, friends, or health providers is powerfully protective” in depression.

So how can you help a friend?

Generally, you should motivate your friend to learn about depression and depression treatments. This will encourage them to follow their course of treatment as instructed by their doctor and seek help if something doesn’t work for them. They will also see that recovery is possible. You may find it useful to learn about depression together as your friend’s concentration and memory might be affected. Audio books are a great way to absorb information if your friend finds it difficult to concentrate on written information.

Depression is a complicated condition that is sometimes misunderstood. A certain stigma – fear or prejudice – has been created around it. For example, some people may view depression as a sign of weakness or something that can be ‘willed’ away. They do not realise that it is a real condition that can be treated. Unfortunately, these false beliefs and attitudes often prevent people with depression from admitting their problems, because they are afraid of what others will say or think. They may also worry about the consequences of a diagnosis of depression on their employment or insurance. This can leave people feeling lonely and isolated. It may also make them reluctant to ask for medical help, or to continue on their recommended treatment. All these effects combine to worsen the condition of a person with depression, when they could be benefitting from helpful care and treatment.

By being a supportive friend, you can encourage someone affected by depression to seek help, receive a correct diagnosis and agree on a treatment with their doctor. But how do you approach this subject with them? Here are some tips to start:

1. Talk about depression with your friend

Some of the symptoms of depression (low mood, irritability and fatigue) can make it difficult for someone affected by depression to maintain friendships. Often someone affected by depression may withdraw from social contacts and may not actively seek to address their problem with their friends. And as mental health conditions are still often associated with a stigma in society, both parties may feel uncomfortable addressing the issue. This is why you as a friend may have to take the first step.

If you suspect your friend may be affected by depression, then you should seek positive ways to show your support and reassure them that you will take them seriously and that you will be there for them to lean on. You could do this by saying:

You are important to me
You’re not alone in this and I’m here for you
You don’t have to feel guilty or ashamed, this isn’t your fault
I can’t really understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion and be a friend to you
I’m going to be there for you to lean on. I’m not going to leave you or abandon you
When all this is over, I’ll still be here for you
I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain. I am going to take care of myself, so you don’t need to worry that your pain might hurt me. You’re not alone and neither am I
I love you (if you mean it)
Consider offering them a hug if you feel comfortable with this.

Try to avoid saying negative things such as:

Pull yourself together.
No one ever said that life was easy.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get a grip.
So, you’re depressed. Aren’t you always?
There’s always someone worse off than you are.
Just try not to be so depressed.
It’s your own fault.
Believe me, I know how you feel. I feel depressed sometimes too.

Once you have approached the subject with your friend, encourage them to visit their doctor (if they haven’t done this yet), and ensure that they take any prescribed medication as directed and follow any other therapies recommended by their doctor. Besides the professional support your friend will need, there are also ways in which you as a friend can help them get better.

2. Encourage lifestyle changes that can help people cope with depression.

You can help by encouraging your friend to:

Go outside for some fresh air and sunlight every day – why not invite them for a walk or do some gardening if they don’t feel like facing the world?
Take regular moderate exercise – you can suggest you do the exercise together. Encourage them to participate in the exercise by reminding them how good they usually feel afterwards.
Avoid being self-critical – you can help by recognising their accomplishments, however small, and making positive comments whenever possible, e.g. remind them that last week they had three good days and the week before they had two – they’re getting better all the time.
Eat a healthy, balanced diet – suggest cooking together or invite your friend over for a meal.

3. Be aware that your friend may just need to rest.

Offer practical support like shopping and cleaning the house. Try to balance motivating them without asking them to do more than they are ready for. If your friend has stopped taking care of themselves you could try bringing round some nice soap or bubble bath. It will help them relax and improve their self-esteem

4. Stay in touch on the phone and/or by e-mail.

5. Avoiding activities where too much alcohol is consumed as drinking can make symptoms worse.

6. Make time for activities that you can enjoy together.

If your friend is talking about or has attempted suicide

Thoughts of suicide and death can be a major symptom of depression, and should be taken very seriously. If a friend expresses suicidal ideas, reassure them that their life is important to you and many other people and that the appropriate treatment will help them to get better. No matter how hard it may seem to look after someone with suicidal thoughts, it is important to show that you care.

If your friend has suicidal thoughts, talk to other professionals (e.g. GP, emergency services, social services) for advice on how you can help them to stay safe, and encourage your friend to access help and support too.

Keeping contact details for support helplines close to hand is also important e.g.

Aware loCall Helpline 1890 303 302

Samaritans 1850 60 90 90

1Life 1800 24 7 100.